Guilt

The hard part about breakups is the guilt that comes from both sides. One side always feels like they are the victim and one side always gets hurt more. I truly believe that when you love someone with all your heart and soul you would do anything for them even sacrifice your own self like what God did with his son Jesus. So, the story behind my break up is that I was the person willing to give up my own happiness to make my partner happy. I wanted nothing more than to be that happiness but I was broken and needed compassion and understanding. Instead I woke up to a harsh reality. I woke up to the realization that the person I loved with all my soul and heart did not love me back. I woke up to a crumbled world. So, yes I feel more broken and hurt and yes I do feel like the victim but I do not feel any guilt because I know I did everything I could to show compassion. Did I lose it at the end? Do I have some fault in this break up? The answer is yes. Yes, I messed up! Yes I was mean! And yes I am still hurt but the difference is I know now God has amazing plans for me. I know that through this pain I will grow into an amazing warrior. And despite all the pain I was caused I still believe in love. I still believe that one day she will see what I see. Broken people deserve compassion, respect, and true love, not someone who runs away when things get hard.

When Anxiety Attacks

Have you ever had an anxiety attack? Well let me tell you that I hadn't had one in a long time and the last time that I did I was with my partner and she was the only one that was able to calm me down by squeezing me tight. So today, when all of the sudden I was hit by this overwhelming emotion I panicked not knowing what to do. The thing about anxiety attacks is you never know when you will get them or why. Anything can trigger them. Let me paint you a picture of what they feel like. Imagine feeling like you are in a dark room, alone, you cannot breathe, and when you try to call for help no one comes. Your whole body begins to shake and in the blink of an eye you no longer are yourself. You try to control it, to tell yourself that it is fear, but it is hard to snap out of it alone.  You roll yourself in a ball and breathe so hard it feels like you are going to lose your heart.  After you snap out of it you are often left angry at yourself for allowing this feeling to over come you. At least I was. I asked myself, " How could you allow this knowing you have God? I yelled at myself saying, " Look at how weak you are!" The reality is that we all have our moments of weakness and it is what we decide to do that makes the big difference. I could have kept yelling at myself and feeling sorry for myself but instead I decided to kick anxiety in the face by praying and going on a run.  I prayed to God to remind the devil that he has cannot beat me because my God is powerful. I went on a run to remind myself that I am strong. I ran so fast that I felt the wind whisper to me that everything would be ok. Life is hard and sometimes we are weak and that is ok.

Courage

I got this tattoo to remind me to have Courage and that like a dandelion
I will rise from nothing.

COURAGE, to be strong even when there is so much pain so much loss; to rise from the dirt.I remind myself everyday that I need to have COURAGE. I wake up still sad and still broken hearted but determined to heal and grow. I look in the mirror and tell God, "Thank you for this life and thank you for this test." It has been 5 hard months of trying to forgive, forget, and heal and grow. For all of you out there facing a storm have COURAGE. Remember that you are not alone. The struggle is hard and there will be days where you feel like you can't anymore. There will be days where you are on the floor crying so hard wishing that the person you love could be there with you. But God tells you to be strong and have faith. There is light and there is growth. I can tell you now, that I still do not understand why, but I stopped asking and started focusing on growing like a dandelion. Growing from the brokenness left behind. I believe that broken people can be together if they have COURAGE to fight and not give up. I believe that with faith nothing is impossible.