Teaching

This is the rock I sat on I had never noticed what it said until today.

I've always known that I love children. My dream is to have my own one day. However, while I was going through my tough dark moments teaching the one thing that I have always looked into for happiness also became something I hated. I couldn't remember why God had made me a teacher. I hated waking up and going to work everyday. I lost my passion and felt stressed everyday.

Being a teacher is hard. It is hard to not bring home the stresses of this job. I did just that came home everyday crying and angry that the system was not helping me out when all I needed was to pray to God. The job that I loved became a hassle. It wasn't until God began to be part of my life again that I remembered why I love this job and why God send me to be a teacher.

God reminded me that this job is self-less. He reminded me that I am doing this because these children need someone to show them love and compassion. I am a teacher to spread the message of God through love. Today I remembered the happiness of teaching as one of my children asked me to slide down the slide with her. I sat her on my lap and went down the slide with the wind hitting our faces and the sun kissing our rosy cheeks, we smiled. I smiled so hard that it hurt. My memories all came back and I felt this great love. Then I sat on a rock and all my children asked , " Ms. Elias why are you sitting there with your eyes closed on top of the rock?" I smiled and said , " To admire how beautiful and full of life you all are." They looked at me with confused faces and said , " You're silly Ms.Elias." I smiled harder because they made me see the love of God. So I wrote this poem...

Smile
Many days I was in darkness
Many days I cried for help
Seeing no beauty in this world
I forgot what it felt like to smile and not feel pain
A simple act of kindness
Will you come here and slide with me?
A simple question
A simple task
Sliding down the slide made me smile
And feel the love of God

Obedient

I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart beating fast and sweat pouring down my face. For a moment,  I looked around to see if she was there. She wasn't and I began to start breathing heavy and I felt like my heart was going to pop out of my chest. Then I heard him saying , "Breathe, everything is ok!" I heard him say be obedient and pray.

The hardest part about accepting God is being obedient. It is hard to be obedient when all you want to do is run as fast as you can to be with the person you love. It is hard to listen when that isn't what your heart really wants. I've been having a hard time being faithful, being obedient because who likes to wait. As humans we need proof. We need to see that things are happening and we want things to happen fast but that isn't how God works.

I prayed and my heart started to beat normally again and peace started to come over me. I heard his voice calming me down telling me to not fear because he was there to make me feel safe. So I fell back asleep. I woke up got ready for work and walked my dog.

As I entered my car to drop off my dog at her house my heart started racing again. What if I see her? What if she sees me? I won't be able to be a warrior I will just cry. I won't be strong. I thought this in my head. But then God did something amazing. The radio began to play "Victory" by Elevation worship and I knew that he was there with me. So I listened to him and walked in the house with my head held high and kissed my dog goodbye and drove myself to work. He told me that today is going to be an amazing day and I believe him. So I leave you with these lyrics of Victory.  Be obedient and God will give you a victory.

I'm gonna see a victory
I'm gonna see a victory
For the battle belongs to You, Lord
I'm gonna see a victory
I'm gonna see a victory
For the battle belongs to You, Lord

If you have a chance listen to this song it is beautiful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNd-PbVhnvA

Love

What is love? I asked God.  God I say what is it tell me please.  The more I ask the more angry I got. Love is being there when a person needs you the most. Love is never giving up even through tough battles, I said to God, answering my own question. But then God gave me these words. These words that I couldn't get myself to understand.  He said,  " Love is patience. Love is being kind. Love is having compassion even when it means you being the one who hurts." I told God, I get it now and wrote this poem.

Letting Go

I made a decision that was hard

To let you go 

To let you fly

God told me don’t worry she’ll be fine

God told me ,“ Love is patience. Love is kind.”

I cried and yelled and couldn’t accept it 

His voice was clearer his voice was loud

He said one more time, “Love is patience. Love is kind.”

I finally understood I needed to stop being selfish 

I really hope that one day someone does this for me. That one day someone decides that I am worth the fight. Right now, I feel hurt, I feel pain, but I also feel great love and great hope. God told me to be patient, he told me to keep my door open. He told me to fight for me because if I don't think I'm worthy then nobody will. I will do my best to have patience and wait until God tells me too. Sometimes we don't know why and that is ok we just have to have faith in God. 

Shadows and Darkness

My story begins with never feeling happy, never feeling like I was enough. I put on a face of happiness when really I was surrounded by shadows and darkness. A darkness that made me doubt myself and my partners love. A darkness that didn't let me see the beauty of life. I forgot everything about what made me, me. I forgot how to really and truly be in happy and in peace. I forgot how to love me. It wasn't until I snapped that I realized there was something truly wrong with me. 

I don't remember what happened when I snapped. The memories are all a blur to me. All I remember is waking up and feeling alone. Feeling like no one cared, no one loved me. I looked for the one person that had always brought me happiness and I couldn't find her. I couldn't see her anymore and I became more mad and more full of darkness. It wasn't until I was in the verge of desperation that I looked for help in God. I couldn't hear him I thought he had abandoned me. Yet, in a moment of sadness, I yelled his name louder and begged for him to free me from the darkness. And when he did this peace and happiness came over me and he taught be to be self-less. He reminded me who I truly was. He reminded me about everything I loved. So I leave you with this poem called I Forgot. 

I Forgot

I forgot how much I loved to write

I forgot how much I love me

I forgot how much it hurt to be alone

Yet, to know that you are free

I forgot how much I love to sing

To feel the warm sun on my skin

I forgot to be me

I forgot how to smile

But today that all changed

Today I remembered...

I remembered it no longer us

It's no longer you and me

Now it's me!

Why?

Life sometimes gets tough and we forget who we are. We forget the beauty of life that God has given us. We forget what it feels like to be alone, to sing, to dance, to run free.

I made a decision to share my story in this blog. I call this blog Awakening because that is what happened to me. I was awaken by the glory and spirit of God. I was lost in darkness and was looking to be happy by yearning and wanting peoples love. Now, after I lost one of the persons that brought me happiness I realize that happiness comes only from ourselves and God.

God needed a warrior so he is putting me through this trial to show people that out of darkness comes light. I hope that those that read my poems and writing see a warrior someone who isn't afraid to fight. I hope you see that there is hope even when you are in complete and udder darkness and you don't see the light. I hope that people realize that happiness doesn't come from traveling, people, or stuff it comes from self-love. People and things compliment your happiness but will never fully make you happy like God. I know that now after years of struggling with myself, with my mind. And even through this struggle I feel peace in my heart and courage to speak out. With that, I leave you with this poem called Warrior of God.

Warrior of God

"God, God!" I yelled and cried. God why have you abandoned me. I drank to see if the pain would go away. "God!," I said I still feel hurt I still feel pain! Then I finally gave up and cried for days and saw nothing but darkness Then a voice came and said, " Get up, don't give up, put on your shield, put on your armour!" The voice was mad the voice was hurt the voice was commanding me to " Get up and fight." Then the voice said " You are a warrior princess of God." I love you and the battle is not done it has just begun.