I'm Back

"My heart is broken but I am back. I made some mistakes but I am back. I am not perfect but I am back." These are the phrases that Pastor Steven yelled in my car today, as I drove to work today. These phrases hit home for me because I could relate to every single one of them.  I was in a dark place and I thought there was no coming back from that, but God rescued me. I choose to come back to him and take my seat at his table.  I choose to get up from my failures and mistakes and to move forward. Although, I am broken God is healing me every day of my life. If he accepted me being a mess believe that he will accept you too. Today my message is simple. All I want to tell you  is to open up your hearts to God and he will let the light in and he will fulfill your promises. I leave you with Pastor Steven's words today......


"When the Enemy comes with his accusations
and his excuses, I want you to look him square
in the eye, before the year even gets started
well, and tell him, "Devil, this seat is taken.
No room for you to run my life, because I
am seated in heavenly places with Christ."

My sister and brothers do you want to be free? Then believe that God will make things better and accept him in your life. He is waiting for you with open hands and an open heart.

Shame

For many years, I walked this life full of shame. The shame was so much that I filled myself with darkness and lost the light that was within me. I felt shame because I never believed that I was worthy enough of love because I felt that I was not good enough. The shame bounded me and chained me. My light was covered and the devil felt great happiness to see me this way. He was filled with joy but little did he know that I would soon be set free and my light would shine brighter than ever. Today my message came through my morning worship at Hillsong. The message from God was so beautiful that I could not contain myself to share with you. God said to me this morning, “ You are worthy. You are strong. You are forgiven.” He yelled loud and clear to me , “Shame does not define what you deserve, instead my grace defines you, and I have forgiven you.” My message to you is do not settle for scraps. The savior of the world is at the table waiting for you so open up your arms and soul to let him help you shine your light. I have lived in shame for too long and those days are now gone. The days of scrap are over and I know God will give me a life full of abundance. So my brothers and sister there is no shame in your game remember those words. Remember that you are worthy, you are strong, and you are forgiven.

New Orleans

I have been working on myself for these past days. Listening carefully to God and waiting patiently and with faith. God has been showing me how a smile can change the world and how if I let things go I can be happier trusting that he will be there with me. I went back to New Orleans the city of what many call "sin". I was proud of myself because even though I was tempted to lose control I did not instead I remembered how this place had helped me learn that I wanted to serve people. It is in New Orleans that my passion for helping others began to develop. The people there smiling and making the best out of everything bad that happened to them made me want to be someone who helped make the change.

I want to leave you guys with this video I made when I first went to New Orleans.

https://www.facebook.com/jacky.orellana.3/videos/570905882941929/

Waiting

Yesterday, instead of having my usual night of going out and hanging out with friends at a bar, I decided to go to a Saturday night bible study group. I was nervous at first thinking what if I do not fit in and if I don't like this group but God told me to give it a chance and I listened. Turned out to be the complete opposite of what I thought. Instead I loved the group and felt like I could relate to every single person in that room. We all were different ages, ethnicities, yet we all were there for God. The message I got to share with you all is about waiting.

Waiting is hard and no one likes it for many reasons. One, waiting means having patience and two, waiting means not knowing the end result. However, Gods promises come to those who wait. He loves us and makes us wait because it builds our character and makes us stronger. He knows the end result and if he makes a promise to us we have to have hope and wait in the light. With God in our life, having hope will lead to us never feeling shame. Sometimes people will shame you for having hope or make you think/feel like you are crazy but you hold on strong to that hope because God does not lie. So I leave you with this verse of the bible and with the message that while you wait rejoice and work on yourself. Be strong God has wonders planned for you.

Roman 5:1-11

Peace with God Through Faith

1Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we^a have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2Through him we have also obtained access by faith^b into this grace in which we stand, and we^c rejoice^d in hope of the glory of God. 3Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Valentine's Day

Today would have marked our 7 year anniversary. 7 years of what I thought was a great relationship. Yes it was rough at times but I really believed that we could conquer it all. I really believed that what we had was true love. Today I woke up and prayed really hard to God. I said , " God make this pain go away. Help me continue to be strong and help me move on." I put on my best smile and my Valentine Day outfit and headed to work full of love and peace.

 It is hard to move on when you have God in your head telling you to have faith. I say to him faith in what it is obvious that this is done. It is finished the battle we fought is over and I lost. I tell God to just let me move forward with a heart that forgives but no longer yearns her love.  So my message to you is , " Love hurts a lot but never give up hope that one day you will find the right person that wants to be with you no matter what. God put me with her for 6 years and I do not regret anything we did and I will never forget the happy memories we shared; like her bringing a dog balloon to my job and me smiling so hard. God knows why he did this and I trust him and even though my heart is scattered and broken into a million pieces I know that it will heal and love again. I will love again and this time I will have God in my life so I know I will be happy. Happy Valentine Day to everyone and remember love yourself with all your might and God loves you no matter what.

Hard

Hard

It is hard having faith
When you feel so much pain
It is hard to obey when you feel so betrayed
It is hard to smile and put on your pretty face
When your whole world  seems to have crumbled
But then that voice comes back to you and says , "Look how far you've come, look how strong you are!"
The voice tells you everything is going to be just fine
You breathe, close your eyes, and simply sit back and smile

Dream

Little girl, in a big world. When I was in college, my dream was to be an agent of change. I knew that this world was full of hate but I dreamed that me, a little girl who was only 4'10 could change the world for the better.  I wanted to spread happiness and joy through being a person who believed things could be different. I was proud that this was my dream and I navigated the world truly believing that I would make a difference. 

However, as my life went on people and the world seem to get harder and my dream seemed to be impossible.  I was laughed at by many and I was brought down by many and instead of being strong and believing that my dream was possible, I started to hate my dream. I started to conform to what people would say, "You aren't good enough, you will never be able to do that." I then started becoming like them destroying others dreams. I didn't realize till God pulled me out of the darkness that this dream is still alive in my heart. God put me in the perfect position to be a change. Today when I heard Pastor Steven's words I realized that my dream is still the same just happening a little bit different than I expected. He made me see that as a teacher, I am achieving this dream of changing the world for a better place through my children. I get to come to work everyday and influence how they see this world. I get to come to work and give my students love and make them believe that they can do anything. So today, I realized that God gives us a dream because it is possible to achieve. I realized that with Gods guidance and with faith in him you can be a little girl in a big world making a difference. God gave me this dream and I will hold on to it and believe even if no one else believes with me. I will spread love through paint, glue, and glitter because that is what my calling is. I hope that all of you who have a dream never give up and have faith that God will help you and put you in the right place to achieve your dream; you just need to have faith and listen.  So I leave you with my video.

Moving Forward

Have you ever loved someone it just seems so impossible to move forward without them? Every thought that you have, every breathe that you take, when you close your eyes you see their face next to yours and you smile. I struggled this weekend with accepting Gods message of moving forward. “God,” I said, I hear your voice telling me to let her be free. I hear you telling me move forward she will catch up just be patient and don’t stop loving her. This is one of the hardest messages he told me. I say God but she doesn’t see me in her plans. He says she doesn’t see you in her plans yet because I’m making her strong. I’m making both of you strong so listen child of mine. So yesterday, I decided to listen.  Even though talking to her and texting her brought me joy I decided to let God do what he needs to do. I decided to trust him with my life and hers and to move forward. My heart is missing a piece but I have peace and happiness because God fills me with it. Even though it hurts to not be able to say “Good morning or Goodnight” to her I know I’m doing the right thing. Move forward he says she will catch up. I’m choosing to give myself to God with 100% faith that he knows when the time will be right and I’ll be here waiting until he tells me too. I’ll be here patiently waiting and working on myself to become strong. I’ll take one step at a time and smile because God has rescued me and I trust him with my life. This week will be hard emotionally but I will hang on to God and his words. I will listen. My message to you from God is to move forward trusting that God will not let you fall nor let you down. He loves us and has us in his arms.

Free

I woke up last night  with my heart beating fast and out of breathe with sweat pouring down my face. I looked around but this time I searched for a reminder that God was there. I was having a dream in where I was chained and couldn't get away. I felt trapped and so alone but when I woke up he was there telling me "Don't worry, trust me". God was there to set me free. So, I went back to sleep and woke up happy and full of peace. 

Then this morning as I got into the car he gave me a message to share with you all through Pastor Steven. He said, "Isolation is the perfect place for enemy to have his way with you." He reminded me once more how he had freed me from my chains. How the enemy did not have it his way because he thought that making me feel alone would help him keep me chained but he failed. He failed because God was there to help me win the battle and because God has given me people in my life to help me stay free. Winning the battle against the enemy takes a group of people who are up to the challenge. God message today is to find that person who wants to fight the battles with you because two is better than one, because as a group we have more power. Together we can lift our voices to praise him and to continue to be free.

Validation

All of my life I have wanted and yearned for people to tell me that I am good enough. I have wanted to feel like someone loves me and thinks I am beautiful.  I wanted to fill my heart with validation from others. I wanted to be perfect. 

 Today's message from God to me is that no ones opinion will ever make me feel whole but his. He is the only one that knows my true heart and my true soul.  To him I am perfect. Many years I let my self-doubt and need for peoples validation kill my true soul. I lost myself and my gifts because I wanted to please people and be loved by people. But today as I rode in my car to work, his message came through Pastor Steven. Pastor Steven said ,"Have you come to the point in your life when people stopped giving you the validation that you've needed? It might be that God is trying to point you back to Himself..."

This is when I realized that when we are the most lost and feel the most pain, that is when he makes us come back to him. He doesn't judge us for our mistakes, disappointment, nor foolishness. He opens his arms, forgives us, and remembers us for who we truly are. Once you feel this love then you do not need validation from anyone. I know now that I don't need people to validate me in order to feel loved. I know now that I am strong, beautiful, and that my soul is kind and no one can ever make me feel like I am not. God validates me and he pushes me to love myself. So yesterday, I painted this picture of the lake in peace because that is how my heart feels. Peaceful and full of love so I no longer yearn anyones love but his.

Future

I think a lot about my future. "Now what?", I ask God. What am I supposed to do? All my plans God for the future have changed. Then I hear his voice saying, " Worry about today? Worry about the present and what you're doing now." All my life I worried about the future.  I worried about what will I do in ten years from now, how much money will I have, when will I have kids? All these worries that went through my mind about the future. But I never really lived in the now. My life always going by so fast. But now I understand that the present is what matters. Living in small moments that make you happy. You can plan for the future all you want but you will never truly be ready. So God tells me today, to smile, to live in the present. He will guide me to the future one step at a time. Right now all he tells me is to have patience and be strong and the future will come when it is time. So I wrote this poem...

What is next?

What is next? I ask God

Tell me please because I feel so lost

Losing control of all that is around

What is next? I ask God

Then a small voice howls in the wind saying, "Worry about now!"

Smile, Breathe, Relax

Don't worry about the future nor the past

You Matter

Today God gave me an awesome message that I have to share with you all. He told me , " It doesn't matter how broken you are, or how undesirable you are, you matter." He said , " The devil doesn't tie up people unless he thinks that they are important." And in that moment I understood. I understood why I had been tied up by shadows and darkness because I am important.  So for all of you feeling like you don't matter you are wrong. You matter to God. You are important to him and that is why the devil is trying to make you feel less than. That is why the devil is messing with your head. So when you feel overwhelmed remember that you matter. That all you have to do is call his name and he will come to fight your battle. And when he does the devil will cringe that he lost the battle and that you are victorious.

Lesson

Yesterday was a very hard day. I failed at being strong and melted into her arms. Her eyes were full of sadness and I just wanted to make things better. Instead I made things worse. I didn't trust God and his words and I failed him. I became desperate to try and help. To try and make her love me again. She said words that hurt, " I don't love you anymore." I cried and ran away. 

This time though I prayed. I prayed that God made me strong and the more I prayed the stronger I felt. I was so hurt by her words but God spoke to me and said , "Have love, forgive, and have compassion for those around you that are hurting and don’t judge nor hate them." Really I thought in my head, " Don't hate her!" God I yelled, " I am so mad right now, I am so hurt, I want to hate her." Let me hate her. Let me be mad. But God once again said , " Have compassion ,forgive, and love." I felt peace in my heart. I choose to listen to God. I choose to love her even though she is causing me so much pain. I choose to  pray for her and her pain. 

So take that as a lesson friends and family pray for those who hurt even when you have so much pain. 

Doubt

I laid on the rug with Mia my dog looking up at the ceiling of my apartment. Doubt came to overcome me. What if I will never be good enough? What if God is wrong? What if what I am hearing is what I want to hear? What if he really isn't here listening? I began to get teary eyed and my heart began to beat fast. I felt like I couldn't get up from the floor and I became a small ball, afraid and alone. I fell asleep on the rug filled with doubt.

I fell asleep feeling like I could't be the warrior God wanted, when all of the sudden my phone ran. I woke up  to the loud sound of the phone. I reached out and grabbed it. It was God who had send my two prayer group friends to call me. God knew I was struggling, he woke me up. "Lets pray," my two friends said. I quickly fell on my knees and prayed. I prayed and all my doubts went away. I felt strong again. I felt capable.

God told me to do something yesterday I didn't want and that filled me with doubt. First he told me to sing for him knowing she would be there. Then he told me to tell her I loved her and forgave her for all the pain. He asked me to ask her to forgive me as well. That filled me with great doubt. What if she thinks I am weak? What if she thinks I am lying? What if she thinks I am crazy because I am hearing the voice of God? What if she doesn't love me back? All these doubts caused me to ignore the voice of God for awhile until he brought me back once more.

Sometimes you will be filled with doubt but you need to fight that and continue to listen. The what ifs in life get you no where. Another thing I learned is that God will put the right people in your life to help you through your struggles, you just need to be opened to letting new people in your life. People that believe in you and people who push you to have faith in God.

Sadness

I was feeling this overwhelming feeling of sadness over my body. I was feeling like I wanted to run away as far as I could and never come back. Then I heard him saying, " You are a warrior use your sword to take that sadness away." So I fell on my knees and I prayed. The more I prayed the more happiness I began to feel. My heart stopped feeling sadness and began to feel peace. The enemy was trying to take over me again but he failed. He failed because instead of feeling pity and sadness for myself I felt strong. I felt beautiful and I felt like a warrior. So my Friday night, became a happy one. I painted and I watched a movie and I fell asleep knowing that I was victorious. I won my first battle and I know I will win them all. So today I tell you pray. Pray and believe what you pray for and God will make it happen. God is with you even if you can't hear him and he wants you to be victorious.

I was moved to draw a mountain with the words you raise me up because God raises us up to be strong so strong we can climb mountains.

I made this cross to send blessings to all. God is powerful he is strong and I am so happy he brought me back to life. I wake up smiling seeing the beauty of life even though I am missing the person I love.