When Anxiety Attacks

Have you ever had an anxiety attack? Well let me tell you that I hadn't had one in a long time and the last time that I did I was with my partner and she was the only one that was able to calm me down by squeezing me tight. So today, when all of the sudden I was hit by this overwhelming emotion I panicked not knowing what to do. The thing about anxiety attacks is you never know when you will get them or why. Anything can trigger them. Let me paint you a picture of what they feel like. Imagine feeling like you are in a dark room, alone, you cannot breathe, and when you try to call for help no one comes. Your whole body begins to shake and in the blink of an eye you no longer are yourself. You try to control it, to tell yourself that it is fear, but it is hard to snap out of it alone.  You roll yourself in a ball and breathe so hard it feels like you are going to lose your heart.  After you snap out of it you are often left angry at yourself for allowing this feeling to over come you. At least I was. I asked myself, " How could you allow this knowing you have God? I yelled at myself saying, " Look at how weak you are!" The reality is that we all have our moments of weakness and it is what we decide to do that makes the big difference. I could have kept yelling at myself and feeling sorry for myself but instead I decided to kick anxiety in the face by praying and going on a run.  I prayed to God to remind the devil that he has cannot beat me because my God is powerful. I went on a run to remind myself that I am strong. I ran so fast that I felt the wind whisper to me that everything would be ok. Life is hard and sometimes we are weak and that is ok.

Courage

I got this tattoo to remind me to have Courage and that like a dandelion
I will rise from nothing.

COURAGE, to be strong even when there is so much pain so much loss; to rise from the dirt.I remind myself everyday that I need to have COURAGE. I wake up still sad and still broken hearted but determined to heal and grow. I look in the mirror and tell God, "Thank you for this life and thank you for this test." It has been 5 hard months of trying to forgive, forget, and heal and grow. For all of you out there facing a storm have COURAGE. Remember that you are not alone. The struggle is hard and there will be days where you feel like you can't anymore. There will be days where you are on the floor crying so hard wishing that the person you love could be there with you. But God tells you to be strong and have faith. There is light and there is growth. I can tell you now, that I still do not understand why, but I stopped asking and started focusing on growing like a dandelion. Growing from the brokenness left behind. I believe that broken people can be together if they have COURAGE to fight and not give up. I believe that with faith nothing is impossible.

Truth

The hardest words to hear are the words that are the truth. Like finding out that the reason your relationship failed was because of you. Like hearing the words, " I just stopped loving you!" Those words are hard to hear especially when you had hope that maybe love was still there.  Then you start to want to hate that person that is causing you to feel like you failed. However, the truth is you don't hate them you are just in pain. You want them to feel what you feel so you tell them whatever you can to make them feel like you do, empty and small. I guess what I am learning from my journey of being heart broken is that it is okay to feel pain. It is okay to hear the truth and that God is with me. God is with me as I cry myself to sleep at night wondering when and where I messed up. God is with me as I fall on my knees, crying and asking him to please help me forgive her and forgive me.  I know that God's promise to me will come true.  Yet, I am struggling and I am in so much pain because I'm having a hard time with my reality. I am having a hard time accepting the truth. The truth is that it is over, that God wants me to love me now. I guess my message today is do not delay Gods truth. Listen carefully do not be fooled by what you want. Love sometimes just isn't enough and you need to know when to give up. So today, I gave up and am putting myself in God's hands praying that he helps me through this hard and dark moment in my life.

Anxiousness

It has been a few months full of worry and anxiousness. I've been working hard on trusting God praying and meditating and trusting that everything will be okay. I remember that dark place I was in and remember how I never want to go back there again. I tell myself, God is in control. I tell myself God wants me to be happy and he will not let me fall. I have to trust him and give in. Yet, I have this over bearing feeling in my heart of anxiousness that is making it hard for me to breathe. I can hear his voice telling me to breathe. I can hear him telling me to trust him. In this time that we are now it is so hard especially if you are going through so many things like heart break and disappointment but we need to trust God. He will protect us. Every time we feel like we're losing hope talk to him and let him know how you feel he will listen. Let's stay strong and if you feel like me, know that I am praying for you and that we are not alone even if it feels like it.

Movement

Today as I sat in bed crying God spoke to me very loudly and said to me that I could not let the enemy defeat me. That he is here with me. I was starting to feel defeated and this sadness was starting to overcome my body. I was sad about accepting the reality that friends means friends and that I am stuck for a few days without being able to move. I am a person that loves to move around I cannot stand still. But because I sprained my ankle, pretty bad, I am stuck having to be still. This being stuck not being able to move made me see that the enemy is attacking me. Why? because God did not make us to be still. God made us to move around freely. And the enemy thought that by making me be still he would bring me back to darkness. Well his plan failed because God spoke to me. God  is showing me that I am strong and I don't need anyone to make me happy but him. I don't need to constantly be on the move. This is a good thing because now I can see the truth. My eyes have been open once again and I know that God is here. He is here to fight this battle with me and I will win.  So my sisters and brothers, sometimes being still is just what you need to see the truth of life. To see who truly cares about you and who is just being selfish. To see who is the only one who will always love you unconditionally. God!

Love Me

Today's message is a simple one. Love from God is unconditional. He loves all his children whether they are broken or not. God never gives up on you even when you make mistakes or become filled with darkness. Believe me when I say that he loves you. He loves you so much he send his son to die for us. So I wrote this poem called Love Me. And yesterday when I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness I sat in my prayer room and remembered that I wasn't alone that he was there with me crying and reminding me how much he loves me. I realized that I would be okay and that it was ok to cry and feel sad but that I had to remember to get back up and keep fighting. No more sadness or disappointment because God loves me and to him I am more than enough and he will always give more than 7 chances.

Loving Me

Your heart beats fast 

You’re love is so strong 

I can hear it like beating drums 

You love me even though I’m broken

You love me even though I’m weak

You’re love is unconditional to me

I fall on my knees crying, yelling , “God why do you love me!”

The voice whispers back to me, “ Because you are beautiful because I made you as a part of me!”

The light shines bright 

And I yell,  “ Thank you God for making me free!”

Thank you God for loving every single broken piece of me.

Cheer Up

Today's message is a simple one it came to me from Pastor Stevens video that I will link here. The message for today is to cheer up. Smile even when things get hard. Smile even when your heart is in pain. Smile because God will make you better. He can fill you with love. He is enough. Please watch this video really hit home to me.