Battle

Every day seems like a battle zone. Especially with everything going on in life. It is so hard to believe that God is there for us when all we see around us is hate and crimes. You wonder where is the love? You wonder if God is even listening to your cries for help? You stay awake at night and think God do I have the strength to keep battling. The reality is that it is hard! It is hard to have faith. It is hard to keep fighting when you feel like life is crumbling to pieces. But something that I am learning is that maybe we lose one battle but God will not let you lose the war. Maybe someone broke your heart but he will heal it. Maybe someone made you feel like you weren't good enough, but God tells you that you are. I think that for me he is telling me that I am a warrior and to fight the battle with all my strength. I wasn't ready to be chosen by God but he choses his people because he knows we are strong and I truly believe that. So if you feel like me a chosen warrior keep praying, keep listening, and keep fighting things will get better even if it seems like life is complete crap and it is falling apart. Battle hard you can do this with God by your side.

Guilt

The hard part about breakups is the guilt that comes from both sides. One side always feels like they are the victim and one side always gets hurt more. I truly believe that when you love someone with all your heart and soul you would do anything for them even sacrifice your own self like what God did with his son Jesus. So, the story behind my break up is that I was the person willing to give up my own happiness to make my partner happy. I wanted nothing more than to be that happiness but I was broken and needed compassion and understanding. Instead I woke up to a harsh reality. I woke up to the realization that the person I loved with all my soul and heart did not love me back. I woke up to a crumbled world. So, yes I feel more broken and hurt and yes I do feel like the victim but I do not feel any guilt because I know I did everything I could to show compassion. Did I lose it at the end? Do I have some fault in this break up? The answer is yes. Yes, I messed up! Yes I was mean! And yes I am still hurt but the difference is I know now God has amazing plans for me. I know that through this pain I will grow into an amazing warrior. And despite all the pain I was caused I still believe in love. I still believe that one day she will see what I see. Broken people deserve compassion, respect, and true love, not someone who runs away when things get hard.

When Anxiety Attacks

Have you ever had an anxiety attack? Well let me tell you that I hadn't had one in a long time and the last time that I did I was with my partner and she was the only one that was able to calm me down by squeezing me tight. So today, when all of the sudden I was hit by this overwhelming emotion I panicked not knowing what to do. The thing about anxiety attacks is you never know when you will get them or why. Anything can trigger them. Let me paint you a picture of what they feel like. Imagine feeling like you are in a dark room, alone, you cannot breathe, and when you try to call for help no one comes. Your whole body begins to shake and in the blink of an eye you no longer are yourself. You try to control it, to tell yourself that it is fear, but it is hard to snap out of it alone.  You roll yourself in a ball and breathe so hard it feels like you are going to lose your heart.  After you snap out of it you are often left angry at yourself for allowing this feeling to over come you. At least I was. I asked myself, " How could you allow this knowing you have God? I yelled at myself saying, " Look at how weak you are!" The reality is that we all have our moments of weakness and it is what we decide to do that makes the big difference. I could have kept yelling at myself and feeling sorry for myself but instead I decided to kick anxiety in the face by praying and going on a run.  I prayed to God to remind the devil that he has cannot beat me because my God is powerful. I went on a run to remind myself that I am strong. I ran so fast that I felt the wind whisper to me that everything would be ok. Life is hard and sometimes we are weak and that is ok.

Courage

I got this tattoo to remind me to have Courage and that like a dandelion
I will rise from nothing.

COURAGE, to be strong even when there is so much pain so much loss; to rise from the dirt.I remind myself everyday that I need to have COURAGE. I wake up still sad and still broken hearted but determined to heal and grow. I look in the mirror and tell God, "Thank you for this life and thank you for this test." It has been 5 hard months of trying to forgive, forget, and heal and grow. For all of you out there facing a storm have COURAGE. Remember that you are not alone. The struggle is hard and there will be days where you feel like you can't anymore. There will be days where you are on the floor crying so hard wishing that the person you love could be there with you. But God tells you to be strong and have faith. There is light and there is growth. I can tell you now, that I still do not understand why, but I stopped asking and started focusing on growing like a dandelion. Growing from the brokenness left behind. I believe that broken people can be together if they have COURAGE to fight and not give up. I believe that with faith nothing is impossible.

Truth

The hardest words to hear are the words that are the truth. Like finding out that the reason your relationship failed was because of you. Like hearing the words, " I just stopped loving you!" Those words are hard to hear especially when you had hope that maybe love was still there.  Then you start to want to hate that person that is causing you to feel like you failed. However, the truth is you don't hate them you are just in pain. You want them to feel what you feel so you tell them whatever you can to make them feel like you do, empty and small. I guess what I am learning from my journey of being heart broken is that it is okay to feel pain. It is okay to hear the truth and that God is with me. God is with me as I cry myself to sleep at night wondering when and where I messed up. God is with me as I fall on my knees, crying and asking him to please help me forgive her and forgive me.  I know that God's promise to me will come true.  Yet, I am struggling and I am in so much pain because I'm having a hard time with my reality. I am having a hard time accepting the truth. The truth is that it is over, that God wants me to love me now. I guess my message today is do not delay Gods truth. Listen carefully do not be fooled by what you want. Love sometimes just isn't enough and you need to know when to give up. So today, I gave up and am putting myself in God's hands praying that he helps me through this hard and dark moment in my life.

Anxiousness

It has been a few months full of worry and anxiousness. I've been working hard on trusting God praying and meditating and trusting that everything will be okay. I remember that dark place I was in and remember how I never want to go back there again. I tell myself, God is in control. I tell myself God wants me to be happy and he will not let me fall. I have to trust him and give in. Yet, I have this over bearing feeling in my heart of anxiousness that is making it hard for me to breathe. I can hear his voice telling me to breathe. I can hear him telling me to trust him. In this time that we are now it is so hard especially if you are going through so many things like heart break and disappointment but we need to trust God. He will protect us. Every time we feel like we're losing hope talk to him and let him know how you feel he will listen. Let's stay strong and if you feel like me, know that I am praying for you and that we are not alone even if it feels like it.

Movement

Today as I sat in bed crying God spoke to me very loudly and said to me that I could not let the enemy defeat me. That he is here with me. I was starting to feel defeated and this sadness was starting to overcome my body. I was sad about accepting the reality that friends means friends and that I am stuck for a few days without being able to move. I am a person that loves to move around I cannot stand still. But because I sprained my ankle, pretty bad, I am stuck having to be still. This being stuck not being able to move made me see that the enemy is attacking me. Why? because God did not make us to be still. God made us to move around freely. And the enemy thought that by making me be still he would bring me back to darkness. Well his plan failed because God spoke to me. God  is showing me that I am strong and I don't need anyone to make me happy but him. I don't need to constantly be on the move. This is a good thing because now I can see the truth. My eyes have been open once again and I know that God is here. He is here to fight this battle with me and I will win.  So my sisters and brothers, sometimes being still is just what you need to see the truth of life. To see who truly cares about you and who is just being selfish. To see who is the only one who will always love you unconditionally. God!