Letting Go

 One of the hardest things to do is to let go. Letting go of someone or something you love. It is the worst feeling in the world. Feels like your heart is getting ripped into a million pieces but you need to learn when to say goodbye. You need to learn when it's time to finally give up and move forward even if it hurts with all your soul. I loved someone so much it broke me. I gave her opportunity after opportunity to show me that she cared about me but she showed me that she cared more about herself.  So now, it is time for me to learn to love myself as much as I loved her. You are the most important person to love. You are the most important person that you have to care for. People will come and go in your life but you will always be there for yourself. You have to let go of those that especially hurt you. To much pain causes you to lose your self-worth. It is so, so hard but essential to your healing. I  am in a journey of healing and learning that it is okay to to let go. So today, I did something. I went to a reiki healing session and  I let go of the pain and hurt feelings that I have. I cut the ties I had with the person that I so loved and focused that energy on myself so that I can truly move on. I pray you can do the same and that you know you are not alone in your healing journey.

Challenges

 How many challenges can God give you before you snap? How many obstacles can you face before you give up? I wish I knew the answer. Lately,  I have been feeling like God is picking on me.  The challenges he is making me face seem so difficult. I try to keep faith. I try to keep a smile on my face but the truth is I am struggling. Everyday it feels like I am drowning.  I am barely keeping my head over water and just when I think I am safe, bam another thing hits me and tries to drown me.  Yet, I continue to fight because I am a warrior. Warriors do not give up even when the battle gets hard. One day I know this all will be worth it.

Life

Life can be so hard. One day you feel strong the next day you just want to stay in bed all day and eat ice-cream and cry. I have those days where I just want to sleep my life away. I have days where I don't know anymore why I even fight. Life is hard. You have to make a choice. You stay in that bed day after day or you get up and you fight. Fight not for anyone else but for yourself. I get on the treadmill and I run. I run so fast that my heart feels like it's going to pop out of my chest. I run hoping and praying that the hardships end. I can give you all this one advice. Life is always going to be hard. Life is always going to throw things at you that suck ass. You however, are in charge of what you want for yourself. Do you want to eat ice-cream all day in bed and cry? or do you want to fight the best fight?

Fight

 Sometimes you wake up and you wonder, “Is God picking on me?” You try to live life being kind and understanding, yet you’re the one who no one seems to understand. You listen, you are compassionate, you really care, yet it seems like you are the one always getting hurt. You wonder why do I always lose in this game of life. You wonder why do you get picked on by God. You ask yourself just for once can I get a break. For once can I win. The truth is life is hard and God chooses the strongest people for the hardest battles because he knows we can handle it. Yet, I am tired. I am tired of being the girl who everyone thinks is amazing yet everyone runs away from. I’m tired of doing things right to just end up hurt.  So I guess why I am trying to say is life is tough and you have a choice on who you become. You can be tired and bitter or tired and a fighter. I choose to keep on fighting until one day I win. 

Exhaustion

Sometimes you just get tired. Tired of fighting so hard. You get tired of life hitting you in the face over and over again. It is okay to be exhausted. I think most of are but we just keep on moving forward. We keep moving, hoping, praying, that one day this exhaustion will be over. I know I keep on hoping that one day I will be less tired. I keep praying that one day I can finally feel rested. It's okay to be exhausted. It's part of life, just don't give up.

Human

 Emotions are part of being human. You can't help having them. Sometimes you try very hard to block them because you are scared. Scared of being hurt and scared of seeming like you're too emotional, too needy, too much. The truth is that emotions make us human without them we simply would be robots. I guess I rather feel too much and get hurt than to feel nothing at all. 

Life

When I first began my journey and this blog I was full of pain and anger. I was so angry at God for ruining what I thought was my perfect life. I started this blog to tell my story. I started this blog to express my feelings and to share with strangers a little piece of advice on what life has taught me. I don't know who reads this but I hope that you can feel my emotions. I hope that whoever reads this sees that even when life knocks you down you can be victorious. Even when life throws challenges at you and the world wants you to change who you are, you don't have too. You can continue to be kind even to those who hurt you. Life is hard there is no doubt about that but we are strong. We can overcome everything even if you sometimes fall apart.

Chances

 Sometimes in life you take a chance. Something in your head tells you not to but your heart tells you do to it anyways. You take the chance and it doesn't work out. You're left with this feeling in your heart that feels like you should have just given up. But then you are reminded that this is life. Life is about chances. You will get heartbroken again and again and then one day, you will find that chance that was worth it. I choose to continue taking chances even though, I am scared. I choose to continue to taking chances until the right one finds its way to me. I am worthy and you are worthy of someone taking a chance on you like you take a chance on them. Everyone is this world has baggage that is hard to deal with. Everyone is a little broken. You just need to find that one broken person that is worth you taking a chance with. So, take a chance because you never know which one is worth it.

Time

 Healing takes time. It seems like just yesterday that I began my journey to loving me. There has been very hard days. Days where I do not want to get up from bed. There has been days where I wonder will I ever be happy again. I wonder how much time it will take for my heart to feel full again. Some days I wake up thinking today is the day that I will no longer grief. The truth is that I don't know how much time it will take to heal. But I do know that one day I will be happy again. I know that one day I will look back and see the purpose in pain. Time heals. 

Forgiveness

 For a very long time I was full of anger. I was angry with God. I was angry with my ex. I was angry at the world. I felt that life was being cruel with me and I did not understand why. I've always been loving, compassionate, and caring. I would say that I care too much about others sometimes more than I care for me. I held on to this anger and it was consuming me. It was eating me alive to have anger in my heart.  Until one day I woke up and said to myself , "It's over!" Until one day I heard a small faint voice telling me to forgive, to heal. I learned that forgiving is about healing. If you forgive it doesn't mean that the event didn't happen or that it wasn't horrible, it just means that you choose to move forward. So, I forgave. I forgave my ex for leaving me in a hospital bed when I needed her compassion. I forgave the world and asked for forgiveness from God for being angry. I can tell you that forgiving has brought me great peace in my heart, Forgiving has me waking up every morning feeling like I am in control now. So, my advice to all of you is to forgive for your own healing.

Healing

 Healing takes time and patience. It isn't easy to let go of your past especially when it haunts you.  There are days when I wake up feeling like I am still missing a part of me. There are days where I wonder what she is doing and if she is ok. But God tells me to let go of my past and to have courage to move on. God tells me to move forward forgiving myself for what I have done wrong. I am healing because I can admit my faults. I am healing because I have accepted my mistakes and am working hard in making sure I do not make them again. I am healing because I still love and believe in goodness. My message today is that in order to heal you must first forgive yourself. Love yourself for the broken and dark person you are and you will see your heart begin to heal.

Dating

Dating is so scary. I don't even know where to start. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find someone again. I wonder if God is listening to my prayers of what I want. God I ask, " Are you listening because you have send me some very unusual dates." Date 1, tells me I am too good for her. Date 2, tells me that I am weak after spending many days talking about life and making a connection. Date 3, just wasn't interested in me. It is hard to not feel like I am being picked on. But I am not losing hope. I can hear God saying, " Trust me she is coming." My message to you is to have patience and faith. In the meanwhile, I will keep working on myself in becoming stronger. 

Amazing

 Life is full of moments. Moments that we have to cherish and live in. Regret often times creeps in when you start to think too much about life. What is life? Why are we in this world? All these questions are valid but what purpose do they serve. Maybe sometimes you need to not think and feel with your heart instead and live in a moment.  You are amazing but....I want something different. You did nothing wrong, you are amazing. Those are the words told to me by someone that I thought I could possibly build a connection with. Want to know what I think? I think that people are afraid of amazing. I think that people are afraid of humans like me who see the good in the evil, who feel passion without thinking, who believe that they have a purpose. How do you know that you don't want amazing in your life when you aren't willing to give it a chance. I guess that my advice for today is don't be afraid of amazing. 

Scared

 It has been a year. A year of growing and learning. A year of trying to figure out life.  I never thought that I would be here again. I never thought that I could possibly be connecting to other people. I never thought that I could erase your memory from my heart. I thought that this feeling of pain would last forever. I thought that I would be mourning your loss forever. I started dating and I am scared. Scared that I will have bad judgement.  I am scared of putting my light out there for someone else to see.  I am scared of being broken again. But this is life. Life is connecting with others souls and seeing which one will be brave enough, strong enough, and determined enough to stick around your broken self. This world is full of broken people and we are all just trying to feel loved.

Missing

 It has been 7 months since my breakup. 7 months of healing and learning to trust God and his choice for me. Every day that passes by I pray to God that he helps me to have peace in my heart. I pray that I wake up not feeling like something is missing. I’m learning to trust God and let him take control. For a person like me it’s been hard. It has been hard not understanding why. It has been hard telling my heart that it is going to be ok and that one day this feeling will go away. Yet, I hear his voice whisper in my year to let go of control and to let him do his job. So my message to you is it’s okay to miss someone but remember that God knows why and trust that he is doing what is right for you. 

Listen

Sometimes I wonder who is listening. I wonder if anyone is reading my story and saying to themselves yes I have faith that things will get better. It has been a long and hard journey but my heart is finally at peace because it is listening. My heart is listening to the voices that say I am amazing, I am a warrior, and I am good enough. One of those voices being God. So, my question to you is are you listening?

Battle

Every day seems like a battle zone. Especially with everything going on in life. It is so hard to believe that God is there for us when all we see around us is hate and crimes. You wonder where is the love? You wonder if God is even listening to your cries for help? You stay awake at night and think God do I have the strength to keep battling. The reality is that it is hard! It is hard to have faith. It is hard to keep fighting when you feel like life is crumbling to pieces. But something that I am learning is that maybe we lose one battle but God will not let you lose the war. Maybe someone broke your heart but he will heal it. Maybe someone made you feel like you weren't good enough, but God tells you that you are. I think that for me he is telling me that I am a warrior and to fight the battle with all my strength. I wasn't ready to be chosen by God but he choses his people because he knows we are strong and I truly believe that. So if you feel like me a chosen warrior keep praying, keep listening, and keep fighting things will get better even if it seems like life is complete crap and it is falling apart. Battle hard you can do this with God by your side.

Guilt

The hard part about breakups is the guilt that comes from both sides. One side always feels like they are the victim and one side always gets hurt more. I truly believe that when you love someone with all your heart and soul you would do anything for them even sacrifice your own self like what God did with his son Jesus. So, the story behind my break up is that I was the person willing to give up my own happiness to make my partner happy. I wanted nothing more than to be that happiness but I was broken and needed compassion and understanding. Instead I woke up to a harsh reality. I woke up to the realization that the person I loved with all my soul and heart did not love me back. I woke up to a crumbled world. So, yes I feel more broken and hurt and yes I do feel like the victim but I do not feel any guilt because I know I did everything I could to show compassion. Did I lose it at the end? Do I have some fault in this break up? The answer is yes. Yes, I messed up! Yes I was mean! And yes I am still hurt but the difference is I know now God has amazing plans for me. I know that through this pain I will grow into an amazing warrior. And despite all the pain I was caused I still believe in love. I still believe that one day she will see what I see. Broken people deserve compassion, respect, and true love, not someone who runs away when things get hard.

When Anxiety Attacks

Have you ever had an anxiety attack? Well let me tell you that I hadn't had one in a long time and the last time that I did I was with my partner and she was the only one that was able to calm me down by squeezing me tight. So today, when all of the sudden I was hit by this overwhelming emotion I panicked not knowing what to do. The thing about anxiety attacks is you never know when you will get them or why. Anything can trigger them. Let me paint you a picture of what they feel like. Imagine feeling like you are in a dark room, alone, you cannot breathe, and when you try to call for help no one comes. Your whole body begins to shake and in the blink of an eye you no longer are yourself. You try to control it, to tell yourself that it is fear, but it is hard to snap out of it alone.  You roll yourself in a ball and breathe so hard it feels like you are going to lose your heart.  After you snap out of it you are often left angry at yourself for allowing this feeling to over come you. At least I was. I asked myself, " How could you allow this knowing you have God? I yelled at myself saying, " Look at how weak you are!" The reality is that we all have our moments of weakness and it is what we decide to do that makes the big difference. I could have kept yelling at myself and feeling sorry for myself but instead I decided to kick anxiety in the face by praying and going on a run.  I prayed to God to remind the devil that he has cannot beat me because my God is powerful. I went on a run to remind myself that I am strong. I ran so fast that I felt the wind whisper to me that everything would be ok. Life is hard and sometimes we are weak and that is ok.

Courage

I got this tattoo to remind me to have Courage and that like a dandelion
I will rise from nothing.

COURAGE, to be strong even when there is so much pain so much loss; to rise from the dirt.I remind myself everyday that I need to have COURAGE. I wake up still sad and still broken hearted but determined to heal and grow. I look in the mirror and tell God, "Thank you for this life and thank you for this test." It has been 5 hard months of trying to forgive, forget, and heal and grow. For all of you out there facing a storm have COURAGE. Remember that you are not alone. The struggle is hard and there will be days where you feel like you can't anymore. There will be days where you are on the floor crying so hard wishing that the person you love could be there with you. But God tells you to be strong and have faith. There is light and there is growth. I can tell you now, that I still do not understand why, but I stopped asking and started focusing on growing like a dandelion. Growing from the brokenness left behind. I believe that broken people can be together if they have COURAGE to fight and not give up. I believe that with faith nothing is impossible.