Amazing

 Life is full of moments. Moments that we have to cherish and live in. Regret often times creeps in when you start to think too much about life. What is life? Why are we in this world? All these questions are valid but what purpose do they serve. Maybe sometimes you need to not think and feel with your heart instead and live in a moment.  You are amazing but....I want something different. You did nothing wrong, you are amazing. Those are the words told to me by someone that I thought I could possibly build a connection with. Want to know what I think? I think that people are afraid of amazing. I think that people are afraid of humans like me who see the good in the evil, who feel passion without thinking, who believe that they have a purpose. How do you know that you don't want amazing in your life when you aren't willing to give it a chance. I guess that my advice for today is don't be afraid of amazing. 

Scared

 It has been a year. A year of growing and learning. A year of trying to figure out life.  I never thought that I would be here again. I never thought that I could possibly be connecting to other people. I never thought that I could erase your memory from my heart. I thought that this feeling of pain would last forever. I thought that I would be mourning your loss forever. I started dating and I am scared. Scared that I will have bad judgement.  I am scared of putting my light out there for someone else to see.  I am scared of being broken again. But this is life. Life is connecting with others souls and seeing which one will be brave enough, strong enough, and determined enough to stick around your broken self. This world is full of broken people and we are all just trying to feel loved.

Missing

 It has been 7 months since my breakup. 7 months of healing and learning to trust God and his choice for me. Every day that passes by I pray to God that he helps me to have peace in my heart. I pray that I wake up not feeling like something is missing. I’m learning to trust God and let him take control. For a person like me it’s been hard. It has been hard not understanding why. It has been hard telling my heart that it is going to be ok and that one day this feeling will go away. Yet, I hear his voice whisper in my year to let go of control and to let him do his job. So my message to you is it’s okay to miss someone but remember that God knows why and trust that he is doing what is right for you. 

Listen

Sometimes I wonder who is listening. I wonder if anyone is reading my story and saying to themselves yes I have faith that things will get better. It has been a long and hard journey but my heart is finally at peace because it is listening. My heart is listening to the voices that say I am amazing, I am a warrior, and I am good enough. One of those voices being God. So, my question to you is are you listening?

Battle

Every day seems like a battle zone. Especially with everything going on in life. It is so hard to believe that God is there for us when all we see around us is hate and crimes. You wonder where is the love? You wonder if God is even listening to your cries for help? You stay awake at night and think God do I have the strength to keep battling. The reality is that it is hard! It is hard to have faith. It is hard to keep fighting when you feel like life is crumbling to pieces. But something that I am learning is that maybe we lose one battle but God will not let you lose the war. Maybe someone broke your heart but he will heal it. Maybe someone made you feel like you weren't good enough, but God tells you that you are. I think that for me he is telling me that I am a warrior and to fight the battle with all my strength. I wasn't ready to be chosen by God but he choses his people because he knows we are strong and I truly believe that. So if you feel like me a chosen warrior keep praying, keep listening, and keep fighting things will get better even if it seems like life is complete crap and it is falling apart. Battle hard you can do this with God by your side.

Guilt

The hard part about breakups is the guilt that comes from both sides. One side always feels like they are the victim and one side always gets hurt more. I truly believe that when you love someone with all your heart and soul you would do anything for them even sacrifice your own self like what God did with his son Jesus. So, the story behind my break up is that I was the person willing to give up my own happiness to make my partner happy. I wanted nothing more than to be that happiness but I was broken and needed compassion and understanding. Instead I woke up to a harsh reality. I woke up to the realization that the person I loved with all my soul and heart did not love me back. I woke up to a crumbled world. So, yes I feel more broken and hurt and yes I do feel like the victim but I do not feel any guilt because I know I did everything I could to show compassion. Did I lose it at the end? Do I have some fault in this break up? The answer is yes. Yes, I messed up! Yes I was mean! And yes I am still hurt but the difference is I know now God has amazing plans for me. I know that through this pain I will grow into an amazing warrior. And despite all the pain I was caused I still believe in love. I still believe that one day she will see what I see. Broken people deserve compassion, respect, and true love, not someone who runs away when things get hard.

When Anxiety Attacks

Have you ever had an anxiety attack? Well let me tell you that I hadn't had one in a long time and the last time that I did I was with my partner and she was the only one that was able to calm me down by squeezing me tight. So today, when all of the sudden I was hit by this overwhelming emotion I panicked not knowing what to do. The thing about anxiety attacks is you never know when you will get them or why. Anything can trigger them. Let me paint you a picture of what they feel like. Imagine feeling like you are in a dark room, alone, you cannot breathe, and when you try to call for help no one comes. Your whole body begins to shake and in the blink of an eye you no longer are yourself. You try to control it, to tell yourself that it is fear, but it is hard to snap out of it alone.  You roll yourself in a ball and breathe so hard it feels like you are going to lose your heart.  After you snap out of it you are often left angry at yourself for allowing this feeling to over come you. At least I was. I asked myself, " How could you allow this knowing you have God? I yelled at myself saying, " Look at how weak you are!" The reality is that we all have our moments of weakness and it is what we decide to do that makes the big difference. I could have kept yelling at myself and feeling sorry for myself but instead I decided to kick anxiety in the face by praying and going on a run.  I prayed to God to remind the devil that he has cannot beat me because my God is powerful. I went on a run to remind myself that I am strong. I ran so fast that I felt the wind whisper to me that everything would be ok. Life is hard and sometimes we are weak and that is ok.

Courage

I got this tattoo to remind me to have Courage and that like a dandelion
I will rise from nothing.

COURAGE, to be strong even when there is so much pain so much loss; to rise from the dirt.I remind myself everyday that I need to have COURAGE. I wake up still sad and still broken hearted but determined to heal and grow. I look in the mirror and tell God, "Thank you for this life and thank you for this test." It has been 5 hard months of trying to forgive, forget, and heal and grow. For all of you out there facing a storm have COURAGE. Remember that you are not alone. The struggle is hard and there will be days where you feel like you can't anymore. There will be days where you are on the floor crying so hard wishing that the person you love could be there with you. But God tells you to be strong and have faith. There is light and there is growth. I can tell you now, that I still do not understand why, but I stopped asking and started focusing on growing like a dandelion. Growing from the brokenness left behind. I believe that broken people can be together if they have COURAGE to fight and not give up. I believe that with faith nothing is impossible.

Truth

The hardest words to hear are the words that are the truth. Like finding out that the reason your relationship failed was because of you. Like hearing the words, " I just stopped loving you!" Those words are hard to hear especially when you had hope that maybe love was still there.  Then you start to want to hate that person that is causing you to feel like you failed. However, the truth is you don't hate them you are just in pain. You want them to feel what you feel so you tell them whatever you can to make them feel like you do, empty and small. I guess what I am learning from my journey of being heart broken is that it is okay to feel pain. It is okay to hear the truth and that God is with me. God is with me as I cry myself to sleep at night wondering when and where I messed up. God is with me as I fall on my knees, crying and asking him to please help me forgive her and forgive me.  I know that God's promise to me will come true.  Yet, I am struggling and I am in so much pain because I'm having a hard time with my reality. I am having a hard time accepting the truth. The truth is that it is over, that God wants me to love me now. I guess my message today is do not delay Gods truth. Listen carefully do not be fooled by what you want. Love sometimes just isn't enough and you need to know when to give up. So today, I gave up and am putting myself in God's hands praying that he helps me through this hard and dark moment in my life.

Anxiousness

It has been a few months full of worry and anxiousness. I've been working hard on trusting God praying and meditating and trusting that everything will be okay. I remember that dark place I was in and remember how I never want to go back there again. I tell myself, God is in control. I tell myself God wants me to be happy and he will not let me fall. I have to trust him and give in. Yet, I have this over bearing feeling in my heart of anxiousness that is making it hard for me to breathe. I can hear his voice telling me to breathe. I can hear him telling me to trust him. In this time that we are now it is so hard especially if you are going through so many things like heart break and disappointment but we need to trust God. He will protect us. Every time we feel like we're losing hope talk to him and let him know how you feel he will listen. Let's stay strong and if you feel like me, know that I am praying for you and that we are not alone even if it feels like it.

Movement

Today as I sat in bed crying God spoke to me very loudly and said to me that I could not let the enemy defeat me. That he is here with me. I was starting to feel defeated and this sadness was starting to overcome my body. I was sad about accepting the reality that friends means friends and that I am stuck for a few days without being able to move. I am a person that loves to move around I cannot stand still. But because I sprained my ankle, pretty bad, I am stuck having to be still. This being stuck not being able to move made me see that the enemy is attacking me. Why? because God did not make us to be still. God made us to move around freely. And the enemy thought that by making me be still he would bring me back to darkness. Well his plan failed because God spoke to me. God  is showing me that I am strong and I don't need anyone to make me happy but him. I don't need to constantly be on the move. This is a good thing because now I can see the truth. My eyes have been open once again and I know that God is here. He is here to fight this battle with me and I will win.  So my sisters and brothers, sometimes being still is just what you need to see the truth of life. To see who truly cares about you and who is just being selfish. To see who is the only one who will always love you unconditionally. God!

Love Me

Today's message is a simple one. Love from God is unconditional. He loves all his children whether they are broken or not. God never gives up on you even when you make mistakes or become filled with darkness. Believe me when I say that he loves you. He loves you so much he send his son to die for us. So I wrote this poem called Love Me. And yesterday when I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness I sat in my prayer room and remembered that I wasn't alone that he was there with me crying and reminding me how much he loves me. I realized that I would be okay and that it was ok to cry and feel sad but that I had to remember to get back up and keep fighting. No more sadness or disappointment because God loves me and to him I am more than enough and he will always give more than 7 chances.

Loving Me

Your heart beats fast 

You’re love is so strong 

I can hear it like beating drums 

You love me even though I’m broken

You love me even though I’m weak

You’re love is unconditional to me

I fall on my knees crying, yelling , “God why do you love me!”

The voice whispers back to me, “ Because you are beautiful because I made you as a part of me!”

The light shines bright 

And I yell,  “ Thank you God for making me free!”

Thank you God for loving every single broken piece of me.

Cheer Up

Today's message is a simple one it came to me from Pastor Stevens video that I will link here. The message for today is to cheer up. Smile even when things get hard. Smile even when your heart is in pain. Smile because God will make you better. He can fill you with love. He is enough. Please watch this video really hit home to me.

I'm Back

"My heart is broken but I am back. I made some mistakes but I am back. I am not perfect but I am back." These are the phrases that Pastor Steven yelled in my car today, as I drove to work today. These phrases hit home for me because I could relate to every single one of them.  I was in a dark place and I thought there was no coming back from that, but God rescued me. I choose to come back to him and take my seat at his table.  I choose to get up from my failures and mistakes and to move forward. Although, I am broken God is healing me every day of my life. If he accepted me being a mess believe that he will accept you too. Today my message is simple. All I want to tell you  is to open up your hearts to God and he will let the light in and he will fulfill your promises. I leave you with Pastor Steven's words today......


"When the Enemy comes with his accusations
and his excuses, I want you to look him square
in the eye, before the year even gets started
well, and tell him, "Devil, this seat is taken.
No room for you to run my life, because I
am seated in heavenly places with Christ."

My sister and brothers do you want to be free? Then believe that God will make things better and accept him in your life. He is waiting for you with open hands and an open heart.

Shame

For many years, I walked this life full of shame. The shame was so much that I filled myself with darkness and lost the light that was within me. I felt shame because I never believed that I was worthy enough of love because I felt that I was not good enough. The shame bounded me and chained me. My light was covered and the devil felt great happiness to see me this way. He was filled with joy but little did he know that I would soon be set free and my light would shine brighter than ever. Today my message came through my morning worship at Hillsong. The message from God was so beautiful that I could not contain myself to share with you. God said to me this morning, “ You are worthy. You are strong. You are forgiven.” He yelled loud and clear to me , “Shame does not define what you deserve, instead my grace defines you, and I have forgiven you.” My message to you is do not settle for scraps. The savior of the world is at the table waiting for you so open up your arms and soul to let him help you shine your light. I have lived in shame for too long and those days are now gone. The days of scrap are over and I know God will give me a life full of abundance. So my brothers and sister there is no shame in your game remember those words. Remember that you are worthy, you are strong, and you are forgiven.

New Orleans

I have been working on myself for these past days. Listening carefully to God and waiting patiently and with faith. God has been showing me how a smile can change the world and how if I let things go I can be happier trusting that he will be there with me. I went back to New Orleans the city of what many call "sin". I was proud of myself because even though I was tempted to lose control I did not instead I remembered how this place had helped me learn that I wanted to serve people. It is in New Orleans that my passion for helping others began to develop. The people there smiling and making the best out of everything bad that happened to them made me want to be someone who helped make the change.

I want to leave you guys with this video I made when I first went to New Orleans.

https://www.facebook.com/jacky.orellana.3/videos/570905882941929/

Waiting

Yesterday, instead of having my usual night of going out and hanging out with friends at a bar, I decided to go to a Saturday night bible study group. I was nervous at first thinking what if I do not fit in and if I don't like this group but God told me to give it a chance and I listened. Turned out to be the complete opposite of what I thought. Instead I loved the group and felt like I could relate to every single person in that room. We all were different ages, ethnicities, yet we all were there for God. The message I got to share with you all is about waiting.

Waiting is hard and no one likes it for many reasons. One, waiting means having patience and two, waiting means not knowing the end result. However, Gods promises come to those who wait. He loves us and makes us wait because it builds our character and makes us stronger. He knows the end result and if he makes a promise to us we have to have hope and wait in the light. With God in our life, having hope will lead to us never feeling shame. Sometimes people will shame you for having hope or make you think/feel like you are crazy but you hold on strong to that hope because God does not lie. So I leave you with this verse of the bible and with the message that while you wait rejoice and work on yourself. Be strong God has wonders planned for you.

Roman 5:1-11

Peace with God Through Faith

1Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we^a have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2Through him we have also obtained access by faith^b into this grace in which we stand, and we^c rejoice^d in hope of the glory of God. 3Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Valentine's Day

Today would have marked our 7 year anniversary. 7 years of what I thought was a great relationship. Yes it was rough at times but I really believed that we could conquer it all. I really believed that what we had was true love. Today I woke up and prayed really hard to God. I said , " God make this pain go away. Help me continue to be strong and help me move on." I put on my best smile and my Valentine Day outfit and headed to work full of love and peace.

 It is hard to move on when you have God in your head telling you to have faith. I say to him faith in what it is obvious that this is done. It is finished the battle we fought is over and I lost. I tell God to just let me move forward with a heart that forgives but no longer yearns her love.  So my message to you is , " Love hurts a lot but never give up hope that one day you will find the right person that wants to be with you no matter what. God put me with her for 6 years and I do not regret anything we did and I will never forget the happy memories we shared; like her bringing a dog balloon to my job and me smiling so hard. God knows why he did this and I trust him and even though my heart is scattered and broken into a million pieces I know that it will heal and love again. I will love again and this time I will have God in my life so I know I will be happy. Happy Valentine Day to everyone and remember love yourself with all your might and God loves you no matter what.

Hard

Hard

It is hard having faith
When you feel so much pain
It is hard to obey when you feel so betrayed
It is hard to smile and put on your pretty face
When your whole world  seems to have crumbled
But then that voice comes back to you and says , "Look how far you've come, look how strong you are!"
The voice tells you everything is going to be just fine
You breathe, close your eyes, and simply sit back and smile

Dream

Little girl, in a big world. When I was in college, my dream was to be an agent of change. I knew that this world was full of hate but I dreamed that me, a little girl who was only 4'10 could change the world for the better.  I wanted to spread happiness and joy through being a person who believed things could be different. I was proud that this was my dream and I navigated the world truly believing that I would make a difference. 

However, as my life went on people and the world seem to get harder and my dream seemed to be impossible.  I was laughed at by many and I was brought down by many and instead of being strong and believing that my dream was possible, I started to hate my dream. I started to conform to what people would say, "You aren't good enough, you will never be able to do that." I then started becoming like them destroying others dreams. I didn't realize till God pulled me out of the darkness that this dream is still alive in my heart. God put me in the perfect position to be a change. Today when I heard Pastor Steven's words I realized that my dream is still the same just happening a little bit different than I expected. He made me see that as a teacher, I am achieving this dream of changing the world for a better place through my children. I get to come to work everyday and influence how they see this world. I get to come to work and give my students love and make them believe that they can do anything. So today, I realized that God gives us a dream because it is possible to achieve. I realized that with Gods guidance and with faith in him you can be a little girl in a big world making a difference. God gave me this dream and I will hold on to it and believe even if no one else believes with me. I will spread love through paint, glue, and glitter because that is what my calling is. I hope that all of you who have a dream never give up and have faith that God will help you and put you in the right place to achieve your dream; you just need to have faith and listen.  So I leave you with my video.

Moving Forward

Have you ever loved someone it just seems so impossible to move forward without them? Every thought that you have, every breathe that you take, when you close your eyes you see their face next to yours and you smile. I struggled this weekend with accepting Gods message of moving forward. “God,” I said, I hear your voice telling me to let her be free. I hear you telling me move forward she will catch up just be patient and don’t stop loving her. This is one of the hardest messages he told me. I say God but she doesn’t see me in her plans. He says she doesn’t see you in her plans yet because I’m making her strong. I’m making both of you strong so listen child of mine. So yesterday, I decided to listen.  Even though talking to her and texting her brought me joy I decided to let God do what he needs to do. I decided to trust him with my life and hers and to move forward. My heart is missing a piece but I have peace and happiness because God fills me with it. Even though it hurts to not be able to say “Good morning or Goodnight” to her I know I’m doing the right thing. Move forward he says she will catch up. I’m choosing to give myself to God with 100% faith that he knows when the time will be right and I’ll be here waiting until he tells me too. I’ll be here patiently waiting and working on myself to become strong. I’ll take one step at a time and smile because God has rescued me and I trust him with my life. This week will be hard emotionally but I will hang on to God and his words. I will listen. My message to you from God is to move forward trusting that God will not let you fall nor let you down. He loves us and has us in his arms.

Free

I woke up last night  with my heart beating fast and out of breathe with sweat pouring down my face. I looked around but this time I searched for a reminder that God was there. I was having a dream in where I was chained and couldn't get away. I felt trapped and so alone but when I woke up he was there telling me "Don't worry, trust me". God was there to set me free. So, I went back to sleep and woke up happy and full of peace. 

Then this morning as I got into the car he gave me a message to share with you all through Pastor Steven. He said, "Isolation is the perfect place for enemy to have his way with you." He reminded me once more how he had freed me from my chains. How the enemy did not have it his way because he thought that making me feel alone would help him keep me chained but he failed. He failed because God was there to help me win the battle and because God has given me people in my life to help me stay free. Winning the battle against the enemy takes a group of people who are up to the challenge. God message today is to find that person who wants to fight the battles with you because two is better than one, because as a group we have more power. Together we can lift our voices to praise him and to continue to be free.

Validation

All of my life I have wanted and yearned for people to tell me that I am good enough. I have wanted to feel like someone loves me and thinks I am beautiful.  I wanted to fill my heart with validation from others. I wanted to be perfect. 

 Today's message from God to me is that no ones opinion will ever make me feel whole but his. He is the only one that knows my true heart and my true soul.  To him I am perfect. Many years I let my self-doubt and need for peoples validation kill my true soul. I lost myself and my gifts because I wanted to please people and be loved by people. But today as I rode in my car to work, his message came through Pastor Steven. Pastor Steven said ,"Have you come to the point in your life when people stopped giving you the validation that you've needed? It might be that God is trying to point you back to Himself..."

This is when I realized that when we are the most lost and feel the most pain, that is when he makes us come back to him. He doesn't judge us for our mistakes, disappointment, nor foolishness. He opens his arms, forgives us, and remembers us for who we truly are. Once you feel this love then you do not need validation from anyone. I know now that I don't need people to validate me in order to feel loved. I know now that I am strong, beautiful, and that my soul is kind and no one can ever make me feel like I am not. God validates me and he pushes me to love myself. So yesterday, I painted this picture of the lake in peace because that is how my heart feels. Peaceful and full of love so I no longer yearn anyones love but his.

Future

I think a lot about my future. "Now what?", I ask God. What am I supposed to do? All my plans God for the future have changed. Then I hear his voice saying, " Worry about today? Worry about the present and what you're doing now." All my life I worried about the future.  I worried about what will I do in ten years from now, how much money will I have, when will I have kids? All these worries that went through my mind about the future. But I never really lived in the now. My life always going by so fast. But now I understand that the present is what matters. Living in small moments that make you happy. You can plan for the future all you want but you will never truly be ready. So God tells me today, to smile, to live in the present. He will guide me to the future one step at a time. Right now all he tells me is to have patience and be strong and the future will come when it is time. So I wrote this poem...

What is next?

What is next? I ask God

Tell me please because I feel so lost

Losing control of all that is around

What is next? I ask God

Then a small voice howls in the wind saying, "Worry about now!"

Smile, Breathe, Relax

Don't worry about the future nor the past

You Matter

Today God gave me an awesome message that I have to share with you all. He told me , " It doesn't matter how broken you are, or how undesirable you are, you matter." He said , " The devil doesn't tie up people unless he thinks that they are important." And in that moment I understood. I understood why I had been tied up by shadows and darkness because I am important.  So for all of you feeling like you don't matter you are wrong. You matter to God. You are important to him and that is why the devil is trying to make you feel less than. That is why the devil is messing with your head. So when you feel overwhelmed remember that you matter. That all you have to do is call his name and he will come to fight your battle. And when he does the devil will cringe that he lost the battle and that you are victorious.

Lesson

Yesterday was a very hard day. I failed at being strong and melted into her arms. Her eyes were full of sadness and I just wanted to make things better. Instead I made things worse. I didn't trust God and his words and I failed him. I became desperate to try and help. To try and make her love me again. She said words that hurt, " I don't love you anymore." I cried and ran away. 

This time though I prayed. I prayed that God made me strong and the more I prayed the stronger I felt. I was so hurt by her words but God spoke to me and said , "Have love, forgive, and have compassion for those around you that are hurting and don’t judge nor hate them." Really I thought in my head, " Don't hate her!" God I yelled, " I am so mad right now, I am so hurt, I want to hate her." Let me hate her. Let me be mad. But God once again said , " Have compassion ,forgive, and love." I felt peace in my heart. I choose to listen to God. I choose to love her even though she is causing me so much pain. I choose to  pray for her and her pain. 

So take that as a lesson friends and family pray for those who hurt even when you have so much pain. 

Doubt

I laid on the rug with Mia my dog looking up at the ceiling of my apartment. Doubt came to overcome me. What if I will never be good enough? What if God is wrong? What if what I am hearing is what I want to hear? What if he really isn't here listening? I began to get teary eyed and my heart began to beat fast. I felt like I couldn't get up from the floor and I became a small ball, afraid and alone. I fell asleep on the rug filled with doubt.

I fell asleep feeling like I could't be the warrior God wanted, when all of the sudden my phone ran. I woke up  to the loud sound of the phone. I reached out and grabbed it. It was God who had send my two prayer group friends to call me. God knew I was struggling, he woke me up. "Lets pray," my two friends said. I quickly fell on my knees and prayed. I prayed and all my doubts went away. I felt strong again. I felt capable.

God told me to do something yesterday I didn't want and that filled me with doubt. First he told me to sing for him knowing she would be there. Then he told me to tell her I loved her and forgave her for all the pain. He asked me to ask her to forgive me as well. That filled me with great doubt. What if she thinks I am weak? What if she thinks I am lying? What if she thinks I am crazy because I am hearing the voice of God? What if she doesn't love me back? All these doubts caused me to ignore the voice of God for awhile until he brought me back once more.

Sometimes you will be filled with doubt but you need to fight that and continue to listen. The what ifs in life get you no where. Another thing I learned is that God will put the right people in your life to help you through your struggles, you just need to be opened to letting new people in your life. People that believe in you and people who push you to have faith in God.

Sadness

I was feeling this overwhelming feeling of sadness over my body. I was feeling like I wanted to run away as far as I could and never come back. Then I heard him saying, " You are a warrior use your sword to take that sadness away." So I fell on my knees and I prayed. The more I prayed the more happiness I began to feel. My heart stopped feeling sadness and began to feel peace. The enemy was trying to take over me again but he failed. He failed because instead of feeling pity and sadness for myself I felt strong. I felt beautiful and I felt like a warrior. So my Friday night, became a happy one. I painted and I watched a movie and I fell asleep knowing that I was victorious. I won my first battle and I know I will win them all. So today I tell you pray. Pray and believe what you pray for and God will make it happen. God is with you even if you can't hear him and he wants you to be victorious.

I was moved to draw a mountain with the words you raise me up because God raises us up to be strong so strong we can climb mountains.

I made this cross to send blessings to all. God is powerful he is strong and I am so happy he brought me back to life. I wake up smiling seeing the beauty of life even though I am missing the person I love. 

Teaching

This is the rock I sat on I had never noticed what it said until today.

I've always known that I love children. My dream is to have my own one day. However, while I was going through my tough dark moments teaching the one thing that I have always looked into for happiness also became something I hated. I couldn't remember why God had made me a teacher. I hated waking up and going to work everyday. I lost my passion and felt stressed everyday.

Being a teacher is hard. It is hard to not bring home the stresses of this job. I did just that came home everyday crying and angry that the system was not helping me out when all I needed was to pray to God. The job that I loved became a hassle. It wasn't until God began to be part of my life again that I remembered why I love this job and why God send me to be a teacher.

God reminded me that this job is self-less. He reminded me that I am doing this because these children need someone to show them love and compassion. I am a teacher to spread the message of God through love. Today I remembered the happiness of teaching as one of my children asked me to slide down the slide with her. I sat her on my lap and went down the slide with the wind hitting our faces and the sun kissing our rosy cheeks, we smiled. I smiled so hard that it hurt. My memories all came back and I felt this great love. Then I sat on a rock and all my children asked , " Ms. Elias why are you sitting there with your eyes closed on top of the rock?" I smiled and said , " To admire how beautiful and full of life you all are." They looked at me with confused faces and said , " You're silly Ms.Elias." I smiled harder because they made me see the love of God. So I wrote this poem...

Smile
Many days I was in darkness
Many days I cried for help
Seeing no beauty in this world
I forgot what it felt like to smile and not feel pain
A simple act of kindness
Will you come here and slide with me?
A simple question
A simple task
Sliding down the slide made me smile
And feel the love of God

Obedient

I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart beating fast and sweat pouring down my face. For a moment,  I looked around to see if she was there. She wasn't and I began to start breathing heavy and I felt like my heart was going to pop out of my chest. Then I heard him saying , "Breathe, everything is ok!" I heard him say be obedient and pray.

The hardest part about accepting God is being obedient. It is hard to be obedient when all you want to do is run as fast as you can to be with the person you love. It is hard to listen when that isn't what your heart really wants. I've been having a hard time being faithful, being obedient because who likes to wait. As humans we need proof. We need to see that things are happening and we want things to happen fast but that isn't how God works.

I prayed and my heart started to beat normally again and peace started to come over me. I heard his voice calming me down telling me to not fear because he was there to make me feel safe. So I fell back asleep. I woke up got ready for work and walked my dog.

As I entered my car to drop off my dog at her house my heart started racing again. What if I see her? What if she sees me? I won't be able to be a warrior I will just cry. I won't be strong. I thought this in my head. But then God did something amazing. The radio began to play "Victory" by Elevation worship and I knew that he was there with me. So I listened to him and walked in the house with my head held high and kissed my dog goodbye and drove myself to work. He told me that today is going to be an amazing day and I believe him. So I leave you with these lyrics of Victory.  Be obedient and God will give you a victory.

I'm gonna see a victory
I'm gonna see a victory
For the battle belongs to You, Lord
I'm gonna see a victory
I'm gonna see a victory
For the battle belongs to You, Lord

If you have a chance listen to this song it is beautiful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNd-PbVhnvA

Love

What is love? I asked God.  God I say what is it tell me please.  The more I ask the more angry I got. Love is being there when a person needs you the most. Love is never giving up even through tough battles, I said to God, answering my own question. But then God gave me these words. These words that I couldn't get myself to understand.  He said,  " Love is patience. Love is being kind. Love is having compassion even when it means you being the one who hurts." I told God, I get it now and wrote this poem.

Letting Go

I made a decision that was hard

To let you go 

To let you fly

God told me don’t worry she’ll be fine

God told me ,“ Love is patience. Love is kind.”

I cried and yelled and couldn’t accept it 

His voice was clearer his voice was loud

He said one more time, “Love is patience. Love is kind.”

I finally understood I needed to stop being selfish 

I really hope that one day someone does this for me. That one day someone decides that I am worth the fight. Right now, I feel hurt, I feel pain, but I also feel great love and great hope. God told me to be patient, he told me to keep my door open. He told me to fight for me because if I don't think I'm worthy then nobody will. I will do my best to have patience and wait until God tells me too. Sometimes we don't know why and that is ok we just have to have faith in God. 

Shadows and Darkness

My story begins with never feeling happy, never feeling like I was enough. I put on a face of happiness when really I was surrounded by shadows and darkness. A darkness that made me doubt myself and my partners love. A darkness that didn't let me see the beauty of life. I forgot everything about what made me, me. I forgot how to really and truly be in happy and in peace. I forgot how to love me. It wasn't until I snapped that I realized there was something truly wrong with me. 

I don't remember what happened when I snapped. The memories are all a blur to me. All I remember is waking up and feeling alone. Feeling like no one cared, no one loved me. I looked for the one person that had always brought me happiness and I couldn't find her. I couldn't see her anymore and I became more mad and more full of darkness. It wasn't until I was in the verge of desperation that I looked for help in God. I couldn't hear him I thought he had abandoned me. Yet, in a moment of sadness, I yelled his name louder and begged for him to free me from the darkness. And when he did this peace and happiness came over me and he taught be to be self-less. He reminded me who I truly was. He reminded me about everything I loved. So I leave you with this poem called I Forgot. 

I Forgot

I forgot how much I loved to write

I forgot how much I love me

I forgot how much it hurt to be alone

Yet, to know that you are free

I forgot how much I love to sing

To feel the warm sun on my skin

I forgot to be me

I forgot how to smile

But today that all changed

Today I remembered...

I remembered it no longer us

It's no longer you and me

Now it's me!

Why?

Life sometimes gets tough and we forget who we are. We forget the beauty of life that God has given us. We forget what it feels like to be alone, to sing, to dance, to run free.

I made a decision to share my story in this blog. I call this blog Awakening because that is what happened to me. I was awaken by the glory and spirit of God. I was lost in darkness and was looking to be happy by yearning and wanting peoples love. Now, after I lost one of the persons that brought me happiness I realize that happiness comes only from ourselves and God.

God needed a warrior so he is putting me through this trial to show people that out of darkness comes light. I hope that those that read my poems and writing see a warrior someone who isn't afraid to fight. I hope you see that there is hope even when you are in complete and udder darkness and you don't see the light. I hope that people realize that happiness doesn't come from traveling, people, or stuff it comes from self-love. People and things compliment your happiness but will never fully make you happy like God. I know that now after years of struggling with myself, with my mind. And even through this struggle I feel peace in my heart and courage to speak out. With that, I leave you with this poem called Warrior of God.

Warrior of God

"God, God!" I yelled and cried. God why have you abandoned me. I drank to see if the pain would go away. "God!," I said I still feel hurt I still feel pain! Then I finally gave up and cried for days and saw nothing but darkness Then a voice came and said, " Get up, don't give up, put on your shield, put on your armour!" The voice was mad the voice was hurt the voice was commanding me to " Get up and fight." Then the voice said " You are a warrior princess of God." I love you and the battle is not done it has just begun.